Grrrr

Long time again

2006-02-20T19:54:26Z

Recap for posterity's sake... Atlantis/Nassau, fun times. Relaxing, nice to be in shorts and a teeshirt and to walk around in nothing but a bathing suit for a day. My family seemed off though, everyone seemed tired and on edge. Eh.

It was nice to get away from fraternity stuff. I love PiKapp too much to ever ignore it when I'm in DC, so it was good to be forced away for a bit.

Valentines Day... heh. I like making dinner and spending my days chilling out with good people, aka brothers. In the absence of my roomates I actually had a great time, getting so much accomplished and keeping the house clean for a long ass time. Lazy potheads are fun but are obviously lazy. I learned there is always more cleaning to be done when you live in a house.

Phi Mu was pretty tight. Moreso than expected, and especially since I stayed sober.

I stayed sober because I had a date the next day, but that didn't stop me from not falling asleep until 5:30am. I woked up with an extremely nasty headache and being tired as crap, it was one of the worst nights of sleep in my life on top of being a late night. So I was still not quite myself on the date.

This girl is amazingly cool, especially for AU and a freshman... she's intelligent, has a good sense of humor, is down to earth and extremely cultured, and she's also simply gorgeous. I have never looked at her and noticed her be anything but stunning, no "bad days" or relying heavily on makeup to remain attractive like so many other girls. She's just an all around great person, and I always have a great time talking to her... but the date was a little weird. We went to an art museum, not exactly conducive to good first date conversation. We still talked about a decent amount, but I kept a decent amount in between being tired and in an art museum.

PS - This museum was amazing - the Kreeger. I highly reccomend it for its diverse collection of art, its grounds and its architecture. The people who worked there were also really friendly, except for this one scary old security guard. Poor guy probably has sleep apnea or something too.

But anyway, there were some conversation topics that brought up a flag... stuff I had sort of noticed before, but I had never hung out with her sober and in person before. Chaney explained it as her just being a "Long Island Girl," a phrase which cannot be good, but I basically have to form more opinions on. My family is well off and everything, but my parents always raised me straight up Bucks County with a good mix of the mining towns that they lived in/their parents lived in in the middle of nowhere, PA. I lived in an area that I would say was (loosely) comprable to Long Island when we lived in MA (4th-8th grade). I was young for most of it, but I remember overhearing conversations by the older people who lived there and thinking what snobbish dicks they could be. And as kids, no matter what crowd I hung out with we were pretty much dicks and enabled by our parents love and money no matter how many times we fucked up (and I fucked up a lot up there). But I digress.

Nothing big, just a concern I guess... and another thing is I never really got a huge "This date is great" or "I really really like her" vibe. I do, however, really really like her - I just don't know how much of it is friend vs more. The date sort of had a weird ending since she said she had a hair appt on U St at 6, so I ended up dropping her off right at the Metro after we got pizza. A sort of anti-anything ending. But pizza was the best part, because we could really just sit down and talk and for a while there weren't any real awkward silences, and I was getting to know her and was able to read her a little bit better than in the quiet and pretention of this huge gorgeous home-turned-museum. And I was eating some tight pizza.

And about the friend thing, the girls I always like the most for not being like the average girl I meet/date/etc I sort of always start off this way. I don't know whether its because I realize they are amazing people and just want them as a permanent friend instead of gambling on more or what. The same thing happened with Meghan until she forced the "more" issue and made me think it out. Even when we first started kissing it felt weird until all the feelings I couldn't always grasp came out and it all just felt good. I was benefitted by her being extremely interested in me and forcing the issue (and living across the hall) but I know I won't be given the same luxury with this girl.

When everyone asked how the date went, every time I answered differently I think... I think I've come to settle on good/above average. Not great, definitely not bad. Maybe I'm just not used to first dates since it's been so long since I went on a real one. She's going to NYC this weekend with three of her friends to see her favorite photographer on exhibit (who is amazing) and chill... I forget what day she's leaving but I want to get to know her better. I don't want to do anything "real" on this date, I just want to talk with her sober some more and get a better feel for what she's like and what I feel about her. I know it's lame (and cold) but I just want to go on a walk with her somewhere at night where it's sort of quiet and just talk to her the whole time. It's lame as hell but it really helps me get to know someone and what I feel about them. Hmmm, how will I pull this one off.

Well I Wastthed My Tuesday

2006-02-01T00:30:22Z

Last weekend really caught up to me, as I slept for 12 hours and pissed away a good day that I was going to get stuff done in. Balls, I think this means I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Man this weekend was crazy worth it. It's one of those ones that needs to be marked down and preserved for my memory's sake.

Friday. GMU. They have their shit together and are chill as fuck. I got sneaky drunk, didn't like that very much. But then we were leaving the party. I had been hungry since we got there so I talked to Chaney. He could choose food - any food. Even including Philly. So to Philly we went. At 2am. I called just about everyone from HS, my sister and a guy I worked with over the summer. It's all good, but I think I caught them off guard.

BEST drunk food ever - Pat's. BEST drunk memory of my life ever - Pasko. I won't tell it here, but I have an image of that fool in his jeans and leather jacket forever burned into my head as the homeless street cleaner ripped into him. And he was completely justified.

Getting back at 7:30am? Sucked. Massive sleep deprivation, I don't know how I stayed awake to get everything for Saturday's party prepared. 320 jello shots, 20 cases of beer, pikapp champagne, the upstairs open and a tight theme. Kept it closed at about 120.

It was nice keeping everything under control and still being able to drink, things went really well. Bros were great bros. Sort of wish I wasn't in the "taking care of shit" phase and could have talked to some people I met a little longer, but I had a great time. I wish I could adopt little john. He needs to transfer from GMU. Talking to Malandre was nice and unexpected. Rydo was almost his own gatekeeper to the Afterworld. Staying up until 6:30 was dumb.

Which is also why the sleep deprivation caught up to me today and whalloped my ass. But what a weekend, it was worth every second.

I should start running again, cause I'm going to the Bahamas in a week and I've gotten lazy here in Weaver. I keep on pledging to change that but there is just such a huge pull. If I get my car fixed for good tomorrow that will be a lot easier though. It's crippling after being used to it to pick up groceries real quick whenver the hell I wanted. Damn brakes, they're not that necessary.

I hope this weekend shapes up well. I think I'll chill a bit and stay in one place for more than 15mins. Champagne and Pajamas, at least it'll be relaxed.

The Who rock and there's never a reason to hold anything back.

Sick and bored

2006-01-24T01:11:53Z

So basically now I'm writing because A) My head is a lot clearer than it was yesterday (but I still need a good night's sleep) and B) I'm extremely bored because I'm the sick where you hurt just sitting on the couch so you don't feel like leaving the house. My back aches incredibly and I am constantly feeling on the verge of vomiting. Fun times!

I read some old entries from this time last year. Oh, how much has changed. All for the better as well. While I'm still relocating my prime stride which I was in over Christmas break, I feel really close to it. Sleep is my main enemy now, as my housemates like to stay up late and sleep weird hours. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow after popping some Nyquil well rested and back to normal.

I was rushing this time last year. And now I'm rushing guys this year. I can honestly say that Pi Kappa Phi has been the biggest and best change in my independent life. That's quite a leap from thinking I would NEVER go greek in HS, to not knowing who I'd rush for sure or if I'd join anyone in January, to almost dropping my bid before pre-i. Good think I just stuck to it, and I hope we get a lot of good guys this semester. I saw Prather today... man I love that kid.

So I'm managing to slightly fuck up my classes because of this damn illness, and that is really eating me up right now. I hate playing catch-up.

Oh yeah, I've finally deciphered why I've been so crazy about girls for the past few months. And by crazy, I mean batshit insane for the most part. I got another email from Meghan today. She's enjoying Scotland but feels a bit let down so far. After Halloween she was the downfall I loved to embrace simply because I started doing what I always do -- thinking too much and not just doing. I stopped living for the moment and just seeing what happened. I created an internal conflict that ended up growing under my nose and tainting my thoughts and actions regarding nearly everyone of the opposite sex. All those girls I talked about liking? They were all such different people, but I just wanted to find the stability and permanence in them that I so craved from Meghan (and that she craved from me). Both of us didn't want to get hurt, however at least she made herself available. I was the one second guessing everything and trying to forget her before she was gone to make the transition easier. I still remember saying goodbye to her in Hughes, it felt nothing at all like goodbye by then. All I know is that I feel better finally admitting this in public, on paper. I have rooted this out of my subconscious and 'splayed it for all to pick at and judge me by. And damnit, that feels good.

Running into someone over Christmas break certainly didn't help that matter much either. I've exorcised them both though, and now I feel well. I feel like I'm regaining something I've lost. My posession of extreme common sense and ability to rationalize my unreasonable negative feelings. I came to so many conclusions over the summer that I lost grasp of. I lost my I-don't-give-a-fuck. I'm getting it back. There are millions of girls in the world, I used to tell my lovelorn friends. Why get hung up over one. Walk anywhere in the world. You'll see large amounts of beautiful girls that you are attracted to anywhere. Just get outside and do shit and you'll see all of them. Your odds are much better than you'd ever think of finding one of them with a decent personality as long as you let things develop. Think of all the first impressions that you've been proven wrong on. Stop prejudging because of some random infatuation in your head that is built on nothing. Stop comparing reality to fiction. Start living and stop thinking. It's about time I remembered this advice. Girl 1 isn't working out? You're in the middle of a college campus in the middle of a city. Who gives a fuck. I embraced that this summer but it was knocked out again. In its place anyone could fill my thoughts for a week or two.

So anyways that's what I forgot. I'm feeling a good disconnect now. All it took was for me to finally realize just what was going on in my head regarding one girl who's abroad and one who's about to go in a few days to regain my true self.

Here's to more living and less thinking again. Maybe that's my new semester resolution since I failed to make one on New Year's Eve. Peace.

Last Night

2006-01-23T02:56:36Z

Wow that was stressful. Fuck the landlord. I still want to have a nice afternoon blowout sometime this semester, probably when we have our Betas still in their AM process.

Texas' friends are fucking crazy. But so much shit was blown out of proportion. The house makes me extra lazy, I have to break out of that bad habit. But at least my bed came Friday, I like not sleeping a few inches off the ground.

I miss Meghan a lot more than I every thought I would. It's not bad, but I'm usually the type to never miss anyone since I've gotten used to it and I've found myself thinking about how she's doing a few times. She knows how to take care of herself, she'll do great in Scotland.

I shouldn't have gone drink for drink with Diaz last night after I was the perfect amount of buzzed. That literally killed me, I forgot my slight competitive weakness. The worst part was I went off after I blacked out. Shit I didn't care about all night or hadn't really been thinking about pissed me off out of nowhere. A girl I met and invited didn't come last night. I wish she had and was a little dissapointed when I was leaving campus, but once I got to the house I didn't even think about. But then I went off on an emotional rampage for some reason.

It frustrates me that it happened and I have no idea why, because I can usually dissect things I do subconsciously and find out the root reason. But not for this, what happened was nowhere near how I felt. It was just 100% irrational. Sam didn't come either, I forgot how much I liked talking to her since I didn't talk to her over break. There were so many girls there last night though, it was weird. Every girl that rolled up on the list had three girlfriends and one guy friend. It was actually sketchy how many girls were there compared to guys, but I only turned three or four guys down. I told two of them to wait a bit with their friend who was on the list and I'd let them know but they just walked away. Oh well.

Everyone was really sociable last night, I had a great time. I talked to Katie a lot more than I ever have, her and Colleen are pretty chill. I never really see her hang out with Dane when she comes to our parties though... they're relationship is really unhealthy. A girl who came wanted to put on her "Mix Tape" but it didn't work. She was really nice and extremely friendly though, I should have seriously flirted with her instead of walking away all the time to check on shit. I can't believe that someone on campus has actually heard of Murs, Aesop and Atmosphere - AND likes them - AND knows Chris. It's crazy hearing someone tell you they know the subject of one of the bitterest breakup songs ever. I think I'll marry her.

Rush is Wednesday. I hope we do well, I don't doubt that we will though. I won't sweat it either as long as we get some guys as good as Alpha class.

Screw homework... at least until the morning. I am beat.

Obligated?

2006-01-08T06:29:43Z

I almost feel obligated to update now since I haven't in such a long time. I've thought about doing one a few times but ultimately chose playing Madden or reading instead. I think that's a good thing.

I had a good Christmas and New Years (Tosser!). I realize how blessed I am to have the family I do, especially my mother and my niece. I only hope I can live up to my parents expectations and justify all the love and support they've given me. I've had people confuse my niece for my kid. Scary, but I hope my kids turn out as great as my niece. She's got a good head on her shoulders, and she's only 10. As the days tick by she gets more and more clingy... which while it can be annoying is really cute. We were in some restaraunt tonight and she got up out of her chair and bear-hugged my neck and wouldn't let go until I promised I'd let her sit on my lap. I love that kid, she makes me smile.

And my mother. I wish she'd quit smoking and use less salt, just random shit cause I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. Especially before I give her a grand-kid or something, because no matter how dumb I am she's there to talk some sense in to me and help me grow up in her quiet little ways. And if she can't talk it into me, she'll tell me pop to whack it into me. All of the unseen work and sacrifices she makes makes me really admire her, and I know she's so lonely now that I'm gone and my dad still travels all the time, it makes me want to just chill with her all the time when I'm home to make her happier. I feel dumb blowing off my HS friends every now and then to just watch the game with my pop (more like while he falls asleep in front of the TV) or go to the mall with my mum, but I enjoy their time so much. It doesn't hurt that they're pretty cool with me as a semi-adult and the choices I make. It's a smart choice on their part, as I used to push the envelope finding out what I could tell them about my experiences... but now I just flat out tell them about everything. It probably makes them feel better too, telling them that I do all the things they did when they were my age while abstaining from smack and crazy shit. I don't mind getting drunk with my fam, and actually I have a blast. I've done it quite a few times this break, and it was more of a bonding experience than anything now that it's not as big a deal as it was before.

My sister turned 30 on Jan 1st. That's really scary. Someone who's in my generation (sort of?) is 30. I was too young to get scared by having a niece, but her turning 30 is freaky. I can only imagine how she feels. I know I'm not even 20 and won't be 21 for a long ass time, but still. I wish I was in 6th grade bringing my Notre Dame mini-football to recess every day again thinking about it.

I have no idea what I want to do this summer... it's really tough. I could stay in DC and take some classes and chill with my bros, but I think that's third right now. I could stay at home and get a job again and chill with my fam and HS friends, or I could perma-live at our shore house and get a job down there. But as independent and self-sufficient as I am, I know I'd get really lonely. I'll talk about this more later I guess.

But I go home on Tuesday, or two more full days at home. I know they'll fly by just like the rest of my break. The first two days I get back from being at home I'm always super bored, but then I get acclimated to the slower pace and time marches on a lot more. I like all the reading time I have, although I can't decide on one book to devote all my time too... I've been giving more to a collected book of shorter fictions by Tolstoy to see if I like his writing enough to take on War and Peace. Maybe that'll be my late New Years Resolution.

Great Escape is an amazing movie, I should pick it up on DVD.

I love soulful hip hop. I cant stop listening to Handomse Boy Modelling School, I'm probably going to purchase their last CD because I love it so much. Add to that Atmosphere's latest and Zion-I's and I'll take care of my nagging conscience for downloading massive amounts of music for free. I'll throw in a Zion-I tee as well as a Rilo Kiley tee and I'll have put Christmas money to good use, instead of dumb stuff like gas and groceries. Oh yeah, I won't be getting my Ipod for a while, fucking Geek Squad takes too long. I'll die without all my music for that long, arrrrrgh. I've downloaded a lot of new stuff at home with my extra time too. I wonder how my new housemates will take to my constant need to have music going in my room.

I dunno why I forget this at AU, but home always helps me realize this: The world is full of beautiful girls. Why the fuck get hung up on any of them, because odds are there's one just as beautiful with just as interesting a personality around the corner if only you'd start a conversation. I just wish I was less prone to become infatuated with a pretty girl with a nice personality. Maybe I forget this at AU because most of the girls there are fake, spoiled or have so-so personalities? I honestly don't even care right now, and I like that.

Here's to 2006, it's going to be a good year. I like the refreshing clarity home provides. I never eat or sleep better than when I'm here, and that really helps. So much fruit and vegetables, I'm in heaven. I think I'll go make another breakfast burrito.

Ho ho ho

2005-12-23T02:25:10Z

I'm getting in the Christmas spirit. Christmas music is playing 24/7 instead of the TV being on at my house, I like it. I came from DC and the spirit-meisers to Bucks County PA. There is most definitely no shortage of decorations, lights and spirit. Everywhere I drive there are wreaths and lights. My mom is even decorating her small theme trees tonight. I like it, it feels cozy - its the essence of coming home.

So I have three grades, A-, B+ and a B. I'm hoping for two more in the B range, which would be amazing considering I could have easily gotten Cs in two of my classes. The B+ I got was actually in a class I almost failed because I missed my limit of classes, forgot an assignment that was 4% of my grade and didn't participate as much as I should have in class. So someone's looking out for me (as always proves to be the case).

The best part about being home: Taking my white-ass outside and playing basketball in private.
Oh yeah, and lots of personal time to regroup, regenerate and get rid of all the wild and irrational thoughts and ideas I had popping into my head. It's a nice lil retreat.

Oh yeah, I like how writing in a live journal gets me in more harm than good overall (I've decided based on my limited experience through two spurts of actually using this, one of which being right now). I don't advertise that I have one anywhere. Only a select group of friends is "friended" on it (and I don't care if they see anything I write). However, people end up seeking this out and finding it. That's a lil weird. The weirdest is is when they read it and actually take it to be my personal bible or some other thing of intense meaning to me. I like when someone asks me about something that I've written, or makes some sort of subtle reference to what I've written and actually expects me to remember A) What it is and B) What I really meant.

If you haven't noticed from the writing and length of the updates, I am doing nothing more than putting my pure, unadulterated thoughts down as they come into my mind. Half of the time I misspeak or make other mistakes, half of the time I don't even fully think through things I'm putting down. So dear stalkers, please think about that and take this for what it is: A place to rant my random thoughts which I place varying amounts of true feelings into. This is the lowest level of refined.

The Yield of My Procrastination

2005-12-19T07:29:06Z

I was looking for anything to do but finish my paper, and looky what I found. I like it.

When you first meet somebody, you find out they like you first of all. A friend of a friend of their’s says he or she really really likes you and it floors you, kills you, sends you to the ground. You gotta pick yourself up off the ground and then you get their phone number and you call them up right and you say “Yeah that was a great phone conversation, can I see you sometime?” And then they say this, they say, “I’d like that” And “I’d like that” makes you fall on the floor again. Your heart is about to stop because of “I’d like that.” Nothing feels better than “I’d like that.” So now, your blood pressure’s goin’. You’re six feet off the ground. You can’t sleep because of “I’d like that.” So then you hang out for a while and you call and you talk on the phone all the time and then you drop the bomb or what feels like the bomb. You say, “You know what? I’ve been thinkin about you a lot.” And see goes “Haaaaugh!” And you go “What happened?” and she goes “I’m sorry. I just. I just. I just. That’s… I’ve been thinking about you too.” BAM! Higher into the sky. But now, “I’d like that?” Done! Now you’re up to “I’m thinking about you.” Then, however number of months pass, it makes you feel comfortable saying it, you say “I gotta tell you something.” They go “What?” You go, “I’m in love with you.” And nothing in the world sounds better than “I’m in love with you.” And then maybe she starts crying or maybe he goes “Huuugh!” And then all of a sudden you’re like, “I’m in.” But now, what doesn’t work? “I’d like that” and “I’ve been thinkin about you.” Now we’re at “I’m in love with you.” Then maybe someday we move up to “I love you.”Fastforward, now you’re like “I love you a lot. I love you more than anything in life.” Now “I love you” doesn’t work. It’s a threshold. It keeps moving up. Fastforward like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be. Now you’re on like, “I wanna marry you. I wanna impregnate you with my love. I wanna- I wanna just send my love to you. Damnit! Words don’t work anymore!” And then you say this line and you know-you know you’ve used this line before. “I just wish they’d put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love, cuz love just doesn’t decribe what I feel.” And so then, now he or she starts asking “Do you love me?” And you start going, “Of course I love you.” “Well say it!” And then it becomes “Say it twice” and they go “Say it three times.' And then, you cross a really interesting point, where all of a sudden it becomes “I hate you. I hate you.” And you go “Oh my God, she hates me.” And now it’s “I hate you more than anything!” And then it’s like “We’re over!” And they’re like “No, we’re not!” And you go “Yes we are!” And now the words completely do not work at all. You’re left with nothing. You’re throwing punches under water. You’re done! You know what the moral of this story is – if there is one? Never ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of “I’d like that.

Weaver time

2005-12-16T00:29:34Z

So I'm living off campus in Weaver House next semester. Besides living off campus with my own amenities and a room as big as my dorm all to myself, there are also the extra bits that are going to rock.

I know its ghetto and stereotypical, but I'm going to help make the house much more frat-tastic. This hot-tub thing better work. Dear god, please. A nice outdoor TV house with cover near the hot tub? Completely necessary.

A REAL beer pong table? Completely necessary. It'll be done before the first days of class. Having free time, a car and your own house helps these things come true.

I pray the landlord cleans the extra rooms out. I'd donate my speakers to set up a better dance place than right next to the hookah.

MY OWN HOOKAH, I almost forgot. I pray my parents get me one for Christmas. I think they will because I made a big deal out of it. Fuck it for parties, I just want one in my house.

Hardcore couches. I am addicted to Craigslist to see if anything good goes up. I'll take as many free, nasty couches as possible and throw a sheet on them. They can all be dumped later. It's amazing what you can get for free for a frat house if you have a mini-van (make fun of the Battle Wagon now, bitches).

WALL DECORATIONS. Anything. Its too sparse.

A blender. I like margaritas.

I can't think of anything else but I can't wait. It's going to be a good semester. I'm going to try to be a good housemate and a better brother, doing more real fraternity business instead of doing the things that come naturally to me (participating in sports, trying to get people to have a good time at our parties). I'd do Sports Chair, but I think being Ritual of Initiation Educator is a good thing for me. Especially since I'm considering adding education to my major. I'll like it.

Next semester has so much promise. I don't even give a shit about girls now, although I know since I'm always girl crazy they'll stay in the back of my mind. Oh yeah, I'm going to do good in school too. The reason I'm here.

Oh yeah... Carl farts in his sleep a lot. No more next semester!

Anything else?

Unfiltered Thoughts in Succession

2005-12-14T22:46:30Z

I have a bad rep because of two months and a lot of idle talk... I don't like that.

Last year, besides half of welcome week and a week between Thanksgiving and the beginning of December I was exclusively dating someone. Every single girl I ever kissed last year I had a relationship with.

I got out of an 8 month relationship that was extremely emotionally taxing. I questioned whether I was ever really in love and I believe I was, even now. Sure it was only 8 months, but a) during college and b) the level we were at for most of that time... it wasn't anything dumb, casual or convenient.

And now a lot of idle talk and two months has left me labelled a player, someone looking for random hookups. I hate it because it couldn't be farther from the truth, especially now. The worst part is something one of my brothers told me he heard regarding a girl I actually like and my so-called reputation.

I'm sorry, but I'll admit it: I made out with a decent amount of random girls at the beginning of this year. I had a few random hookups as well. But out of all that, only three people could be called random hookups. One was welcome week, when I had been broken up for all of two weeks and the last time I was with her I had to drive away with the door open because she was in it crying. I wasn't being an ass, it's not like I was laughing or in a good mood myself -- I'll admit I started to cry too. I just knew I had to leave then for the both of us. The other two I was drunk and confused as to what I wanted and woke up feeling ashamed.

All the other girls I had seriously considered dating and didn't because I was afraid, not ready or didn't want an expiration date. And then there was one girl at Brandon's party and GMU's Halloween. That's not my personality and anyone who knows me knows that. I may talk a lot of shit but all of it is joking. Half of it is acting up to the way people expect me to be too, and that doesn't work out well.

I have only kissed ONE girl since I fucked up at GMU. One. I'm not going to before break or during break either. And yet I get this label because of two months I was afraid and confused and shied out of relationships I should have tried.

I had been thinking about saying something during Ultimate Respect about this, but I didn't. I realize my idle talk and the jokes I make bring some of this on, but that's just guys joking around and being guys. I'm not like some of my brothers who actually believe in the fucked up and disrespectful jokes and things they say about girls. Here is what my ultimate respect was. I thought it up about ten times in my head but never wrote it down or said it.

I'm not a player. I don't have a game. I don't lie to girls or purposely do anything disrespectful to them. I've never been a player, lied or talked game to get a girl to make out with me. I find it disgusting. I be myself, I joke around and if they like me they do. I haven't been the picture of perfection this year but I don't appreciate the continued jokes and suggestions about what I should do or shouldn't do with girls. I'm certainly not going to start playing games with girls so you can "console" them or whatever other fucked up ideas you have.

I know its dumb but I want a relationship. Random hookups get old fast. We were at GMU and I took one look around. I had been in a real good mood and listening to "Out the Game" by Kanye... "I can't see myself gettin out the game/ no time soon" is one of the lyrics - I used it as my away message. I felt that and I felt good, then I took that look around. There were lots of pretty girls but I just didn't give a fuck. They were nobodies to me, and I didn't want to get to know a girl or try to hook up with one who I'd probably never see again. When I suggested that I didn't care about "girls" my brothers just gave me the weirdest looks. I don't care about "girls" any more. I care about people now. That may sound dumb, but its true.

I just wish I didn't get so shy when I actually like a girl and we're not at a party. And I wish I liked more aggressive girls. It's my experience they'll never make the first move, or if they do I'm usually not interested in them. Two passive, shy people don't work.

Oh yeah, I'm officially forgetting about every single girl I've met before break. I'm declaring this semester a wash. I was going to ask two girls to hang out/on a date but between being busy, afraid and the semester ending I decided against it (I always take the easy way out). There's the one girl that I really like but I don't know why. She was one of the ones I asked to semi but she already had plans. She left a really long message explaining why and saying that she thought I was "nice" and if I called her she'd want to hang out. But the use of "really nice guy" and her tone just sounded like she didn't want to let me down. I know I should work on forgetting her name but the little fat kid inside of me that had huge crushes and never gave up on them won't let me. I even asked if she wanted to check out a photo exhibit she expressed interest in before break since she's here til the same day as me... but it came up in an AIM conversation and the network kicked me off so I have no idea if she responded to it. That should be an omen in itself, but please reference the "little fat kid inside of me" to find out what I'm thinking. I don't know, I just want to go on a date with her or hang out with her so I can get to know her better. It could be a horrible date and I'd be satisfied, but the curiousity is eating me alive like it used to for my middle school and high school crushes.

Speaking of my high school crush, I don't know how I got rid of her but I did. I remember... I think I said something ambiguous over AIM (how dumb) and the response sucked. Time and 400 miles got rid of my MS crush. Crushes suck. I think it has to do with "You want what you can't have" - because if you end up hooking up or dating your crush, if it doesn't work you don't care. Crushes are like the book versus the movie. A book you know just enough to construct your own perfect scenes, facial expressions, looks, etc so that it is amazing in your mind. In a movie, everything is cut and dry. It can easily suck and that's just the way it is so you judge and accept it. And the book is always better than the movie. But until you see the movie, you can only think how good it would be based on the book. I know its dumb but it makes sense to me.

I'm moving into Weaver next week with most of my dorm stuff... then more after New Years. I'm really excited. SOOO much more room, NO MORE ROOMATE! I really hope the Hot Tub thing works. That would be so fun as long as people don't make it sketchy. Even if its just me after a long day, chilling in the tub with a book and a beer. HEAVEN. I lover water... I can't wait to spend every waking second this summer at my new shore house. Preferably by myself. It'll be a good retreat with lots of AU and CEC visitors.

But first I have to get my finals done to hopefully save some of my grades this semester. I have done exactly NO work. My mom and dad will kill me, I just have to keep my scholarship though. Hopefully I get more work done in Weaver. Here's to good grades and finding a good girl next semester.

In the name of history

2005-12-08T06:35:51Z

I am preserving the AIM conversation I had with Dan, aka the best little ever. I love being a stereotypical guy every now and then. Always lightens my mood. Oh yeah, and I got a date to semi that I'm actually excited to go with because we haven't chilled together in a while. Sam would have been nice, but this date is much better than Kylie and probably slightly ahead of her. So things really did work out for the best.

JimmiechickenG20 (6:57:44 PM): you mean maybe you shouldn't have drunk dialed her and asked her to a semiformal event
MrPurple 319 (6:58:04 PM): lol... yeah... and then you kept on screaming at me so I couldn't hear
MrPurple 319 (6:58:08 PM): i wasn't too drunk then
MrPurple 319 (6:58:17 PM): perfect for asking someone to a semiformal event
JimmiechickenG20 (6:58:29 PM): nigga please
JimmiechickenG20 (6:58:33 PM): you were drunk
MrPurple 319 (6:58:52 PM): i was buzzed until I started drinking again... there's a fine line
JimmiechickenG20 (6:59:27 PM): well
JimmiechickenG20 (6:59:35 PM): you should have called her back later and told her what you thought of her
MrPurple 319 (6:59:56 PM): lol, thank god I didn't
MrPurple 319 (7:00:15 PM): i would never be able to look her in the eye again, that is embarassing
JimmiechickenG20 (7:00:56 PM): she weas running around with red teeth the other night, I can't look her in the eye again
MrPurple 319 (7:01:30 PM): thankfully i was too drunk to notice
MrPurple 319 (7:01:45 PM): all i knew was that she was grinding on me and i liked it
JimmiechickenG20 (7:01:46 PM): it was not pretty
JimmiechickenG20 (7:01:50 PM): slut
JimmiechickenG20 (7:01:57 PM): you
MrPurple 319 (7:02:07 PM): shit boy
MrPurple 319 (7:02:08 PM): i wish
JimmiechickenG20 (7:02:53 PM): you need to get a family together
MrPurple 319 (7:03:39 PM): it got political so I didn't talk to anyone about it
MrPurple 319 (7:03:47 PM): everyone's hardcore about this
JimmiechickenG20 (7:03:52 PM): what the fuck
JimmiechickenG20 (7:03:53 PM): that's gay
MrPurple 319 (7:03:55 PM): so we'll be in a family with Mitch, Bleau and Bessette
JimmiechickenG20 (7:04:08 PM): ...
JimmiechickenG20 (7:04:17 PM): we should call ourselves the retarded cousins
MrPurple 319 (7:04:45 PM): our initiation is doing a 60-second kegstand than streaking the quad
MrPurple 319 (7:04:57 PM): at 2pm on a monday
JimmiechickenG20 (7:05:01 PM): sweet
JimmiechickenG20 (7:05:50 PM): we should all take turns with a prostitute too
MrPurple 319 (7:07:52 PM): a tranny
JimmiechickenG20 (7:08:22 PM): yes
JimmiechickenG20 (7:08:44 PM): and then the initiates kill her and we all go and hide the body as a family
MrPurple 319 (7:09:42 PM): oh my god
MrPurple 319 (7:09:47 PM): this family is going to rock
JimmiechickenG20 (7:10:05 PM): basically its us and mitch next semester
JimmiechickenG20 (7:10:18 PM): bassette is MIA and bleau is abroad
MrPurple 319 (7:11:14 PM): I hope he's good with a shovel
JimmiechickenG20 (7:11:28 PM): he's a big guy, I think we won't have a problem
JimmiechickenG20 (7:11:44 PM): but it's gotta be a personal killing
JimmiechickenG20 (7:11:53 PM): like slitting her throat or strangling her
JimmiechickenG20 (7:12:04 PM): or smothering her with a pillow
MrPurple 319 (7:12:15 PM): I like strangling
JimmiechickenG20 (7:12:22 PM): sounds good
MrPurple 319 (7:12:24 PM): you have to see her eyes as the last breath of life leaves her body
JimmiechickenG20 (7:12:29 PM): yes
MrPurple 319 (7:12:41 PM): and then do her again
JimmiechickenG20 (7:12:55 PM): we should hide all the bodies in the same place everytime, so when we come back in 20 years, there are like 300 dead tranny prostitues
JimmiechickenG20 (7:15:32 PM): http://local.yahoo.com/details;_ylt=Avf1.6rFOm4MJJWk0Cn8OkKHNcIF;_ylu=X3oDMTBpZzIyMjd0BF9zAzk2NjEzNzY5BHNlYwNzcg--?id=25671574&state=DC&city=Washington&stx=transexual+escorts&csz=Washington%2C+DC&fr=dd-local-more&ed=.O3k7q131DyDf5TFCbDCstyDZiQDMy2htBsSNCT5D6E_iJG0Rq40rjVO&lcscb=
JimmiechickenG20 (7:15:37 PM): we can get her from here
MrPurple 319 (7:16:04 PM): you got that link awful quick...
JimmiechickenG20 (7:16:27 PM): I had to have it for a um project for a class
MrPurple 319 (7:18:05 PM): hmmm...

I'm Alive

2005-12-07T20:51:09Z

Barely.

My stomach and liver are still pissed off but I woke up with a feeling of acceptance and happiness.

Snow is perfect

2005-12-05T19:29:43Z

It's snowing outside and that makes me infinitely happy on the inside. Only on the inside, because I'm tired as f*** today despite not doing anything all weekend. So I'm a bit irritable, sorry.

But the snow is perfect. It reminds me of solitude and perfection. Not chastity or purity. Snow pretends to be pure, but thats another one of those lies we tell ourselves. I think I'm going to chill at one of the "spots" i found last week and watch the snow fall later. That is the single most beautiful, peaceful and cleansing thing to do in winter. I remember when I was a child and all is good... nights full of snowballs and sleds, the world so quiet and primitive. It was open to a child. Now the magic isn't intact, but its still there.

A girl I knew in HS had these lyrics up in her profile... I think they're amazing. While I may not call girls when I get their number, its nothing sinister or something that I knew when I asked for the number. I'd say it's more fear than anything. Plus a natural dislike for the phone. That's something I really need to get over; collecting numbers and keeping them in mint condition is dumb.

"he called me doe eyes

he called me party thighs

he called me just that once

and then he never called again"

Those lyrics are perfect. I'm into perfection today because I am feeling so far from it.

I don't have a date to semi. Maybe I should just go myself... someone put it like this: If there isn't a girl you really know and want to take, there's no point in taking someone and placing the burden of their entertainment on yourself. Then you both won't have fun. Especially if you don't know the girl that well and she doesn't know a lot of your brothers, it'll just be shitty. But I'm afraid to go alone for some reason. I think I know why.

I have so much work this week it's ridiculous. I can't wait until a fresh start next semester... one I'll undoubtedly mess up and let it turn into a rush of last minute work like I have my previous three here at AU.

I need a good night's sleep tonight.

Life

2005-09-11T19:32:59Z

Ever feel like you're turning into what you never thought you'd be, and you're helpless to stop it? Or is it who I am and I never knew it? Or maybe I'm thinking too much about random shit because I made a small, stupid decision that lead to other small, stupid things happening? Or maybe I'm just lucky and I haven't fucked up big ...yet. Is it an addiction if it's two nights a week and you have no problem stopping when you're home? Or is it just a good time that occasionally lapses into stupidity.

I'm not sad or depressed or anything, I just feel so incredibly confused. I think its because I used to have something great and amazing whose mere existence, despite the shit I'd talk, made me incredibly happy and made me feel extremely lucky. It was legitimately gone, I would never try that same old route before -- but I miss the feelings so much. They were addictive, that's for sure. And I'm going through hardcore withdrawal. Maybe I'm just trying to replace those feelings with new ones that can never be as powerful and leave a bad taste in my mouth. Or a burnt spot in my throat. Maybe I should just realize that I won't have those feelings again for a very long time, things won't feel like they just... fit... maybe ever?

It doesn't help that I am currently holding a position on girls I've never held before. I do realize I'm a beer slut, and I talk a lot of shit, but I don't like random hookups that much. And I'm extremely negative on girls now too. No matter how attractive, nice or cool they are I seek out the negative like a hawk and cross them off in my mind. I never used to be picky at all when it came to girls, but now I'll even look at random girls and pre-judge them like a bastard based on how they're dressed, draw out what talking to them would be like in my mind and pinpoint the traits that would jump out and piss me off. I'm seeing genuinely attractive, nice girls and not getting interested in them in the slightest.

For some reason I was never like that before, I was accepting and nice and let relationships develop. Am I scared? Am I just an asshole? I've never gone through this before.

Hopefully this is a short phase, because I liked how I was before a little better. There are things I enjoy now, but at least when it comes to girls - I don't like that alien feeling that makes me question whether I'm truly being myself. And I don't like asking "Why" and "What" the next day, or looking at the times on AIM conversations.

Maybe going home and going to the doctor will clear my head, get me out of AU for long enough where I'll have some sort of miraculous epiphany in a dream on my train ride home. It'll be better than being in limbo and writing off my chances at having those feelings again.

Women?

2005-08-30T23:26:45Z

For the first time in my life, I'm indifferent towards the female race. And it's not because I've been hurt or soured on them, I think I just don't care right now. I appreciate looking at a pretty girl and I like smiling at girls, but that's all I'm looking for in a relationship at the moment. I think I might be turning gay or something.

I tried the random thing for the first time in my life this summer, and I just don't think I like it. I like spending time with girls, getting to know them and going on dates. But I don't want anything serious right now, I guess. I want to take it easy for a bit more. The only bad thing is is that I'd like more good female friends, but besides Adi I don't have any that are close enough to do fun things like go out or cook dinner for them. Most of my guy friends aren't into things like that either, it sort of sucks.

At safeway today, I got sort of sad that I don't really have anyone to cook for, and cooking for one just seems like a waste of time. I don't have anyone to go out to dinner with, make a picnic and chill on the mall with. It's weird... I don't want a relationship but I want the traditional "boring" parts of one?

I'm also convinced that unless you win the lottery, having a female friend is impossible. She might lie and say she's not interested, but there is a 90% chance that one person is interested (or becomes interested). Than there's that 9% part of you that realizes that hanging out with someone of the opposite sex makes people think you're taken and limits your options of "falling" into finding someone great, which makes you want to avoid it. Unless you luck out or have known this person since you thought girls were icky, it's impossible.

I'll stop now because I'm weird.

Best Choice

2005-08-25T17:48:59Z

I forget which night it was, but hanging out with my brothers and thinking, I came to the realization that Pi Kappa Phi was the best choice of my Freshman year. I couldn't imagine not making the decision I was so on-the-fence about.

When I said this Pat asked me "really?" That was a bit of a surprise but let me put it this way - if I like my first tattoo, a star shield is a definite addition to anchor the other side down. And this isn't idle talk or getting caught up in a moment, like it seemed to be when people talked about tattoos before chartering. This is because, besides the dumb small shit, I consider myself extremely lucky to be involved with this group of guys. Without a doubt, Pi Kapp is the best group of guys at AU or elsewhere.

I love you mang.

Music is perfect

2005-08-21T22:02:24Z

Tedstock was yesterday. My dad puts this thing together where a bunch of band and musician friends, aquaintances, etc come over, set the amps to 11 and play while a bunch of people eat and drink beer. I've been listening to music nearly non-stop lately, and I've been thinking.

Music is perfect. At best, music makes you feel amazing, confident and on top of the world. At worst, it can be a mood amplifier. If you're in a shitty mood, instead of getting suicidally depressed you become introspective and think about why you're sad, helping you change. Even when you feel like shit, you listen to Rilo Kiley and realize that everyone has the same shit happening so it's about time you stopped moping and bucked up.

I understand maybe one in eight words that Sean Paul uses, let alone sentences... but it doesn't mean his music can't make me feel great before going to the gym or hanging out with my friends. It transcends. I can't help but remember Mr Culnan's jazz music test. He played this jazz piece and had us write down what thoughts it evoked. Not a single word, yet so many people came up with the same story for the music without saying a word to each other about what they were thinking.

This makes me want to buy a set of ridiculously expensive speakers. This and my affinity for alcohol have made me think a lot about bartending, owning a bar or even a club. I mean, who didn't like Cheers?

Almost back to AU

2005-08-20T02:24:59Z

I think I'll write here again, it's better than talking to myself out loud.

I'm hoping it's just because I'm 19, but I'm tired of my mind and what I want changing. I'm hoping it's just that I know what I really want, but retarded things like society and percieved normals convince me that I want something else temporarily. Hopefully I'll be able to confirm that in the next five minutes and be able to instantly decode my own thoughts and live the next eighty years of my life with amazing purpose, drive and true happiness.

(PS - I had an amazing conversation with my sister's boyfriend (who is 34) about "true" or lasting happiness, while at Seaside for the week. We are both thoroughly convinced it doesn't exist. However, we were both slightly down because of the same thing while talking about this - relationships. Not to be confused with girls. I think I have no opinion on the latter at this time).

Oh yeah, all of this because of one cryptic message. I think I should take as much stock in it as I would a horoscope or fortune cookie. Something in me wants to read this message my way so badly, though. I think I'll go for a bike ride and listen to some music, it'll help me reach for that electricly charged cupcake for the twentieth time.

I took the damned quiz too

2005-04-18T23:35:57Z

But I refuse to take the dating/perfect mate one because it is far too short for determining that... 20 questions to determine 10 things you are
and 10 things you want? Sure.

Hedonism... I guess because I just want to be happy, but I'd say I try to please people a lot too. Wonder how that works out. And Egoism at 80%? Wow is all I can say... that would require a confidence level I know I am not at. Oh well, here it is.

You scored as Hedonism. Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism: You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good; and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can.

“Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!”

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

</td>

Hedonism

100%

Strong Egoism

80%

Justice (Fairness)

55%

Existentialism

55%

Utilitarianism

55%

Kantianism

55%

Apathy

40%

Nihilism

35%

Divine Command

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

Never

2005-02-04T14:40:10Z

Write at 2am

So I took a personality test

2005-01-21T22:38:31Z

And decided to start a Live Journal, with everyone having one but me and whatnot... plus I like to be soooo in tune with my feelings and to share them with the world. Really.

So here's my personality... I find it to be pretty true, and the parts of it I don't like I bet a lot of people won't "believe" because I drink a lot and it really alters my personality (especially the bits about being quiet and reserved. If you're really my friend or semi-knew me in High School you know this to be true). I'm incredibly quiet and "studying" other people until I am comfortable and I let bits of my personality slip out... sometimes this creates a weird picture of myself and leaves people's heads scratching. Or so it seems.

Oh yeah -- this totally defines High School. "People may think you're aloof, you're just quiet." Totally. Kairos told me that so much. I am probably the least aloof person around, especially since I have no confidence in myself. It's hard to find and hold faults against someone when you see them everywhere in yourself.

Ahhh, the results... I can see why people start these things.

• You tend to think before you act. As a result, the things you do will be purposeful and deliberate.
• You will generally not act impulsively. As a result, others around you may perceive a slowness of thought or action. This results not from slow thinking, but from complete analysis of the situation before acting.
• You prefer not to seek quick personal relationships, but rather build relationships slowly. Once your relationships are formed, they tend to be lasting.
• When a new activity is considered, you may require support or encouragement to participate or perform in the new activity.
• You prefer to wait until you're sure of your ground before acting. This might mean after several visits to a new place, or after a few meetings with a new person, you will feel more open to risk or share trust.
• Your response indicates a strong need to be precise. This projects into the social environment by the need to have a place for everything and everything in its place.
• You function best in an environment relatively free of conflict or hostility. When tension mounts, you may become silent; and if tension continues, you may withdraw or avoid the situation altogether.
• You may appear to others as hesitant rather than decisive, although you become decisive once all the facts are gathered and evaluated. You will not make a decision unless certain that analysis is complete.
• You may not jump in immediately for a new idea or activity. You may need time to consider all aspects of the idea before supporting it with time and talent.

• You dislike having to initiate new relationships. However, others may seek you out because you are a good listener, quiet and nonthreatening.
• You may be passive and even cautious in your behavior toward others. On first meeting people, you may be somewhat suspicious, wanting to be more studying of others than revealing of yourself.
• You will convey patience towards others in most situations. This patience comes from a need to maintain harmony. Others may read this as a strong stabilizing factor in your behavior.
• You usually communicate with others in a reserved, diplomatic and congenial fashion. You are a careful and analytic listener who will generally not offer ideas or opinions unless asked.
• When asked about your opinions, you may not share your ideas or opinions openly with those asking. You remain rather self-contained in social situations. Some may perceive you as aloof, but it's really caution.
• You may be a steadying influence because of your restrained and unassuming way. You usually wait to be asked your opinion rather than offering an opinion.
• In new interpersonal situations, you may appear hesitant in relationships with others, and not easily risking or extending trust. This relates to your rather self-contained and cautious manner.
• Because you may not call attention to your own accomplishments, you may benefit from others giving recognition to you occasionally. Constant recognition may make you feel uncomfortable.
• You value quality relationships over quantity relationships. While others may boast of hundreds of acquaintances, you will find security in deep relationships with a smaller number of people.
• Your strength is to bring stability, security and awareness of consequences to activities. In a sense, you may be considered as the one with the "conscience."

• You are good at making certain that even small details are taken care of.
• You are skilled at finding practical solutions to complicated situations.
• You are skilled at being diplomatic with people in all settings.
• You tend to set and maintain very high standards for yourself.
• You are good at considering information from all sides of an issue before making a decision.
• You don't tend to get distracted by superficial issues.
• You tend to be an objective decision-maker, preferring not to let undue emotions bias your decisions.
• You are good at "troubleshooting" potential problems in a relationship.
• You tend to be the "Anchor of Reality" in highly emotional situations.
• You generally take pride in being a strong community member.
• You tend to be an objective, careful evaluator of situations.

You may want:
• A feeling of security.
• A supportive environment where you do not have to display great emotion.
• Activities that may involve friends.
• No flattery or shallow praise.
• Activities which you can start and finish.
• Tried, established ways of doing things.
• Objectivity and logic in relationships and activities.
• Recognition for your loyalty.
• No sudden or abrupt changes in the situation.
• An environment relatively free of conflict.
• Respect among peers and friends for your quiet manner.

Find a partner who can:
• Respect quiet demeanor.
• Show patience, especially when drawing out information.
• Take your time and proceed slowly.
• Have facts and ideas in a logical order.
• Use a logical and unemotional approach.
• If you agree, follow through with your end of the agreement.
• Use a tone of voice that shows sincerity.
• Minimize risks by providing assurances for participation.
• If you disagree, organize your thoughts before confronting your partner.
• Support principles.
• Give pros and cons of ideas.